9.08.04- The coolest thing has been happening. A hawk has discovered the birds. The hawk swooped in twice, right by the window and caused a horrendous commotion. So far, there have been no casualties. I'll be sure to post pix as soon as there are.

9.15.04- A bright young man quickly walked in and asked, "Do you do 'fades'?" I said, "That's like asking a dentist if he does 'fillings'."

   Getting done with a customer that came in on his break, he glumly replied with a frown, "Now I have to go back to work." The response he got was, "Don't feel bad. At least you got to leave for a while. I'm still here."

9.16.04- Getting done with the very first customer today, the man asked, "Can you shave the back of my neck?" I answered, "I already did." He then asked, "You did?! I must still be half asleep!" I said, "Yes, now you can go home and go back to bed. Next!"

   Another man walked in and asked, "So, what's new and exciting in your life?" I answered with two questions; "Why? Don't you have enough excitement in your own life?" He answered, "No, that's why I'm asking you." So, then I gave him my best suggestion to alleviate boredom; "You could always go rob a bank. You'd have more excitement than you'd know what to do with."
   These kind of statements always leave people speechless. That's probably why anti-depressant medication had to be invented. Some people can't understand the humor in such a reply.
   The man never did get the answer that he wanted. He was probably hoping he'd hear, "I won the lottery! Now I can go fulfill the American dream of living like a bum for the next twenty years!"

   Speaking of the so-called "American Dream"; The American dream used to be getting a job, getting married, having a house and a car and maybe some kids, giving a person a nice incentive to keep working and not having to live the opposite life, which would be like a bum. Today, the American dream is to strap the kids in the highly coveted SUV, then taking a drive to the nearest deli, leaving the SUV running outside without thinking that the children might get stolen, along with the precious, much "necessary", gas guzzling SUV, then coming out and getting back in the SUV and scratching off a handful of tickets with the "dream" of winning millions of dollars so the person will never have to work again, thus, fulfilling the American dream of living like a bum.
   The odds of getting run down by the same tractor trailer three times and surviving are greater than winning the lottery. Yet, millions of people dream this "American Dream" every day, and walk around miserable, wondering why they are never the ones that win. It's a good thing all that money spent on the lottery goes toward education, or the average child would be walking around dumb as a box of crayons.

   Do you think millions of people would spend millions of dollars on the lottery every day if they told you the money went toward, let's say, underground nuclear testing?

Men, I can't say it enough; If your wives can't keep quiet, please leave them home. I don't need to be reminded every four or five seconds that she's in the building and needs to talk or make excited comments at the news that's on. Does she have to go to the dentist with you and hold your hand? Do you tag along with her when she goes to the beauty shop? I hope not. Do the institution of barbering a huge favor and leave her at the mall or something next time. Thank you.

9.20.04- Today's diner experience was horrifying. The waitress came over and took the order and then bustled off to get other orders together. No sooner did she walk away then she started coughing. She had a loathesome disease. She first coughed in her hand to cover her mouth. She then plucked a bagel from the toaster with the same hand.

   Later on, there was a line of at least five cars behind a police officer that was stopped at a green light talking to the cute crossing guard. His attitude was undoubtedly one of feeling that the people behind him were just dumb civilians. So, when I blew the horn, I watched him looking in his mirror for the dumb civilian that did it.

9.22.04- Some man came in speaking some sort of bilingual gibberish today. The only thing I could understand was Carlo Rossi.

10.01.04- In case nobody took the time to notice, this place is a barbershop. That means that if somebody doesn't like going to a barbershop, they should cut their hair themselves.

   A man came in and asked, "How much for a cut?" I told him the amount and then added, "And up." He left. Then, about a half hour later, he returned, apparently not thinking I would remember him. He asked again, "How much for a cut? I told him the amount, followed by, "And up", then adding, "...and if you ask me again, I'll tell you the same thing."
   Getting in the chair, the man then said, "I'm asking because I have easy hair to cut. Look at it. How hard could it be?"
   So I told the man, "If it's so easy, why don't you go cut it yourself? People come into a barbershop telling us how easy their hair is to cut and don't like when we tell them they have a head like a giant Q-tip."
   The man said, "Look! I usually go to the place down the road and they always do a good job! I thought you might appreciate the business!"
   I said, "Not really. You're not doing me any favors asking twenty questions here. So, do you want your hair cut or not?" He got cute and asked, "Do you want to cut my hair?" I said, "No. I'm not looking for new customers; especially high maintenance ones."
   Then, the man tried the full range of emotion trick by feigning distain for this place of business, namely me personally. He barked, "Listen buddy! I don't have to prove anything to you!" I said, "You're right. So why don't you go back to the place down the road and waste their time? I don't get paid by having conversations like this one with people. As a matter of fact, I'm going to lunch now. You can leave or you can stay here talking to yourself."
   While leaving, but still standing in the doorway, the man said, "This is B@#$%^&*!!! I'm just a man! My hair's easy to cut! So I told him, "I don't like your language. Do me a favor and don't come back here again."

   It's amazing when someone comes in from some other place, expecting a brand new, obsequious, bootlicking sychophant that just got out of beauty school that they can run roughshod over. Here's the surprise; Barbers don't go to beauty school. They work for two years under masters (instructors) to become masters themselves and refuse to waste energy trying to convince people that they're successful at what they do. The pile of hair around the chair should tell most normal people the story for them. If the hair doesn't tell the story, the fact that they've been there in business for a number of years should.

10.04.04- Going to the lovely diner this morning was unsurprisingly eventful. The manager came out of hiding after what seemed like ten minutes and frantically reached for the menu, the dessert menu and the specials menu. Before he could grab them, I informed him that I knew what I was going to have. He said, "Okay", and proceeded to gather all the menus anyway and led me to the table where he put them. I'd imagine it's a control thing. "Nobody's gonna tell me they don't need a menu!" Anyway, the waitress then showed up with a bright smile. She gabbled about her day, apparently sensing I was interested, Then she added, "Would you like to hear the specials?" First, showing the very best interest I could muster, I asked if she needed to vent about her day some more. I then explained again, to her this time that I knew what I wanted. So I asked for "coffee for here", AND a large one to go. She agreed.
   After I concluded reciting the rest of the order that never changes, the waitress took off and then quickly reappeared with a large coffee to go, but no coffee to stay. Somehow I knew that would happen. So, I explained that I wanted coffee to stay, as well. She apologized and left with the coffee to go. Then, she returned with a coffee to stay and none to go. I was very afraid to tell her I wanted the one to go, too, So I asked her where the coffee to go vanished to. She looked around the table. Then she explained that she would get a coffee to go when I was ready to leave. I then explained that the reason I ordered one to go when I did is because then it doesn't take an hour and a half to become cooled off enough to actually drink. Nevertheless, she did a great job and somehow managed to remember to get me a coffee to go before I actually left the building.

10.05.04- A very knowledgable individual came in today with a child. He was one of those parents that exudes fun and games all the time he's in the presence of the child. The benefits of teaching a child that life is all fun and games somehow remains a mystery to me, however.
   Seeing that he was in full control of the parent, the clever little urchin would not cooperate in getting his haircut. So, the genius parent piped in with the solution that he thought all barbers were supposed to know. "I know! Give him a lollipop! He'll hold still if you give him a lollipop!"
   As the devil child glared at me, expecting a lollipop to award his demonic behavior, I reached over and took the lid off the jar. I then explained to the brilliant parent while placing the jar under the little monster's nose, "I won't give him a lollipop unless he behaves through the entire haircut. But, what I will do is allow him to smell them."
   I'm hoping the parent goes to some kind of group and tells all the other parents in this community the terrible thing I did and warns them not to bring their unruly kids to me. It's comparable to pest control, I think.

11.20.04- This is definitely worth writing about. A woman that has been bringing her boy to me for almost six years came in today with what appeared to be a new boyfriend. He had a boy with him too. The conversation between the two suggested that they were on one of their first dates because the guy wouldn't shut up. He seemed to feel that he must promote his hairdresser from the mall. As he told of how great his hairdresser is, the woman kept saying that he took way too long when she went there once. Did that stop this guy? No. He had to continue with how professional he is and how they've been going to him for so long, blah blah blah. I wonder how his kid felt when I gave him one of the great big lollipops I give kids that the mall is too cheap to supply their hairdressers with?

11.23.04- Gork was in for his pre-Thanksgiving haircut. "Dodeed dobudge dergey!" "Huh?!" "Dodeed dobudge dergey!!!" "Oh okay, I won't. I'll switch from turkey to smurf this year."

   On the 25th of this month, hordes of people all across America will gorge themselves with food. I'm always amazed at how the majority of people actually feel that they are a part of something really great and participate in this festivity of "Simon says gorge yourselves like pigs" by gorging themselves like pigs. Corporately, the masses all give thanks and are proud to say they are part of the greatest thing on earth; the land where Indians ate turkey with Pilgrims, all because Simon says so. I wonder how many of these people really believe that the Indians actually sat down with the Pilgrims at Plymouth Rock and ate turkey together? I wonder how many people would begin believing the moon is made of swiss cheese if the news began saying it every night at 6:00pm?

11.24.04- Every turkey gorging, stuffing gulping glutton and their kid was in today. The looks of confusion on their faces were quite entertaining from hearing that I wouldn't be taking new customers until after the holidays. They always look so surprised. You'd think they'd be able to determine in their microcosmic, selfish minds that one person is only capable of handling just so many procrastinating, pied piper lemmings. If I'm not your regular barber the rest of the year, try getting your haircut maybe, let's say, two days before Thanksgiving next time or go wherever you go the rest of the year and wait there. I don't want you here.
   Another amazing thing is how these people can walk around for months looking like people you see digging in dumpsters or holding "Will Work For Food" signs on the sides of roads, and still find it necessary to remind me that they must look good for Thanksgiving and that I should do an extra good job. The reply is always the same. "Anything I do is gonna be better than what you've looked like for the past three months." I could dump a can of motor oil on their heads and slick it back and they'd look better than what I see when they walk through the front door of this shop.
   Today was particularly memorable. A very nice lady came in with her little kid and wanted a high and tight for her little marine. Well, in case nobody realizes it, this is a military haircut. She knew that. So, with one of my closest blades, I zipped this kid's head that wouldn't hold still for even the famous lollipop bribe as high as I could so I wouldn't have to see him again for a long time. His mother loved it so far and had no problem telling me that. The problem began when her father that must've felt he had to accompany his fragile daughter to the barbershop became obviously jealous at this moment. He felt he had to express dissatisfaction. This was his first mistake. He said, "That's too short for me. I guess you're new though. It'll take you two or three times before you get it right." I was fast to reply, "The only new one I see here is you and I get it right the first time, but if you think you can do better, why don't you come over here and show me how you'd cut a crying, moving kid's hair?" His daughter even had something to add, "I want it short so we don't have to go through this again right away." Boy mom, I think I love you.
   Do you think this stopped the old man? Nope. This was his second mistake, "My barber cut mine too short last time too. I don't know why though." His daughter perceived what I was feeling and while smiling at me said, "Maybe he didn't want you to come back." I couldn't say it any better than that. Boy, this is one time I'm actually looking forward to next time this lady comes back. Hopefully, she'll leave her father at a nursing home. Or, even better, maybe she'll leave him on a subway in the middle of New York City somewhere.

12.20.04- [flashback] RC cars are back again and are way cool. For anyone that doesn't know what these are, they are remote control cars. The Tyco Turbo Hopper was one that I used to have. It had shocks and a roll cage and everything. Whoever designed it must have scaled it for hamsters, because my hamster fit in this car perfectly. He'd wear one of those little football helmets that gas stations would give away, and would even hang on while hitting jumps made out of plywood and a two by four. He particularly liked doing donuts too. Every day, people would come from all over to see the daredevil hamster in the RC car. I don't know why I even bothered mentioning that.

1.04.05- Everyone is done playing Simon Says. It's always funny watching people dancing like marionettes to Simon's tune. "I have to buy gifts! I have to make resolutions!" How about making one to teach kids not to take candy from strangers and then actually NOT send them to the strange neighbors' houses on Halloween? Better yet, how about making a resolution to not let kids near strange old men, including strange old men in the mall dressed up like Santa Claus, beckoning the innocent kids to sit on their laps?

People wonder why youths are so mixed up.

1.28.05- Well, today a completely unique thing happened. While walking my five mile walk this morning at six o'clock, I came across an eighty-two year old man lying at the foot of his stairs asking me if I'd help him. He said that his hip gave out. He had snow on himself, it was twenty degrees below zero, and it was pitch black outside. I brushed the snow off him and went and opened three doors and then lifted him (170 lbs) and dragged him up the seven stairs and into his house and put him on his couch. He was trying to light a pilot to his oil burner outside somewhere when he fell in the snow. He didn't want me to call 911, so I didn't out of respect for him wanting to keep whatever dignity he may have still had. He called his daughter-in-law instead.
   I was wearing a ski mask, so the man didn't see who I was. He was smiling when I left though. I'd say this was a good day.

4.21.05- Today I was reminded of this godforsaken website. If I didn't get reminders like that once in a while, there'd be no reason to have to relive the things a person should never have to see in a barbershop.

   A lady came in with her sick husband today. They were on their way to the hospital. The man has an inflammatory disease of the lungs called pneumonia. That's always nice to learn as you're cutting the hair in his nose and in close proximity of his breath. Anyway, he expressed a fear of having a nurse cut his hair. He isn't aware that nurses are usually not licensed in our field of expertise and have no business cutting his hair. So, as his wife was attempting to make me aware that there are many nurses out there cutting hair in hospitals, taking work from me, I informed her that there are many barbers out here taking work from psychiatrists. I'd say that evens the score.

5.14.05- Life's experiences still prove to be pretty effective in teaching. For instance, Hav-A-Hart rodent traps are used as a kindness in capturing small, furry creatures. Ask yourself this; "How kind is such a device if I negligently fail to check the trap DAILY and then find I've succeeded in capturing a cuddly rodent, learning that much to my chagrin, the furry creature didn't fare quite well during the extended period I failed to check the trap?" Hav-A-Hart traps don't have a food or water supply available for fuzzy creatures that stay longer than expected.

The lesson: Hav-A-Hart traps are only as kind as the user is diligent in checking it.

5.18.07- In case nobody noticed, I was away. No, I was not in jail. I couldn't afford to keep this site running any longer so I had to wait until a free place to host this site turned up. Plus, I was beginning to feel very sorry for the people I encounter in life and felt that making fun of them on this sort of medium wouldn't be nice. However, I've repented. Forgive me please.

   It appears that a very important figurehead of Christianity has died. Whenever someone says that the Islamic religious leaders want to kill all Americans, I remind them of the heartfelt words of that much revered pastor in regard to Muslim folks: "Kill 'em all, in the name of the Lord!" You can do a little search on your computers to see who said those fine, humble words.

5.19.07- A woman was sexually attacked at midnight in a church that remains open 24 hours a day in a neighborhood known for its violence, all caught on camera. Many people are questioning why there just so happened to be cameras in the church. Many people are also questioning why a man with a violent, psychotic past was free wandering around in this church unsupervised. Nobody's questioning the mental condition of the woman who was in an otherwise empty church at midnight though. Isn't a church a place where multiple persons normally meet to congregate? If a person walks into a church at midnight that's situated in a high crime area where another woman was recently shot in the head while operating a beauty salon also around the very same midnight hour and sees that there's obviously no assembly of fellow believers going on in the church, wouldn't logic dictate that it might be a good idea to get home ASAP? Sometimes you have to wonder if these things might be staged in order to sell newspapers.
   True, people should be able to wander around streets, go into public gathering places or run their businesses at all hours of the night, but is that really a sensible thing to do considering the violent world we live in?
   People should be locked up for stupidity.