7.07.04- It has
to be a control issue when someone says, "Cut it short, but not too short". That has to be, by far, the most retarded statement
barbers have to try to block out of their minds as if never having heard it said. That's like sitting in a dental hygienists's
chair and saying, "Clean them good, but not too good", or dropping laundry off at a drop off laundry service and saying, "Wash
them clean, but not too clean". If people only knew what goes on inside barbers' and other health care
professionals' minds, they'd just sit there and be very quiet. In discussing with laypersons the matter
of people feeling the need to instruct barbers how to practice their trade with others, laypersons' reasoning is that people
don't want their hair too short. That's obvious. What isn't obvious is why people don't just get in the chair and shut up
and let us do our job. Why do certain ones feel they must instruct us on how to cut their hair? It's really a simple procedure.
"I'd like a regular haircut." "Okay. Sit there and shut up and you'll get it." "I'd like a short haircut." "Okay. Sit there
and shut up and you'll get it." "I'd like a flattop." "Okay. Sit there and shut up and you'll get it." "I
have to train you to cut my hair right." "No sir, I'll be the one doing the training around here. Through a series of conditioning
techniques similar to that of training Pavlov's dog, I will have you quietly coming in here, taking off your hat, not saying
a word as if you left your mouth outside the door, giving me a tip, and then watching the door on your way out."
7.07.04- Q &
Q (question and question):
Q: "Can you cut a flattop?" Q: "Can you make a
sneaker stink?"
Q: "Can you cut my hair short without going too short?" Q:
"Can you overflow a toilet?"
Q: "Can you make me look good? I have a wedding to go to." Q:
"Considering the fact that you will be a spectator at a wedding of two other individuals, with a hundred or so other spectators
present, most of them being drunk, do you really think anyone is going to care what you look like when they have the bride
and groom to look at?"
7.08.04- Today,
one of my neighbors came in asking if I could move the birdfeeder. She said, "The feces are getting tracked into our shop".
I moved the feeder further from their shop. Just in case the birds don't cooperate though, I'm thinking
of drawing a large bullseye on my neighbor's car for the birds to aim at.
7.08.04- A very
happy and talkative man came in today and pointed out that I don't smile enough and that I'm not very talkative. I informed
him that the shop down the road has several very happy and talkative barbers there.
The thought of being a window
washer is becoming more appealing each day.
7.09.04- It's
always amazing how interested people are in barbers' personal affairs. Not a day goes by when somebody doesn't attempt to
delve into matters pertaining to the personal life of the one operating the barber chair. This is where a skilled barber knows
when and how to "flip" the conversation. "How's your day going so far?" "Okay. How do you want your
haircut?" Did you catch how the conversation got flipped? This type of flip has to be done right away.
The longer the conversation is in the nosy client's control, the harder it is to flip it. "I guess a
regular haircut would be fine. So, how's your day going?" "Okay. Do you want me to cut that hair in your nose too?" Flipping
is great when people want to talk about themselves too. It's done in a similar fashion, but usually it's best to not deviate
too far from the conversation. One of the conversations today went something like this: "I need my hair
cut short. I'm flying to Houston for the all-star game and it's going to be hot there." "Houston? Really? That sounds like
fun. You may want to leave your hair a little on the long side though in case the plane crashes and you want people to recognize
you at the funeral."
There's something about the subject of death that can stop a conversation right
in it's tracks, causing the barber to save much needed energy to make it through the rest of the day. This is especially effective
around holidays, when everybody and their cousins show up. "What do you think about this new movie out?
Do you agree with what the guy that made it is saying?" [not having any clue what's being talked about and having no desire
to know] "Oh yeah, isn't that the guy they tried to whack?" "What do you think of the campaign so far?"
[knowing better than to get into this sort of discussion] "So far so good. Nobody's gotten whacked yet." The
subject of death can cause a person to instantly forget what he or she was thinking about. This can be quite effective at
controlling masses of non thinking individuals too. "Did you hear they found no information justifying
the invasion?" "What invasion? All I can think about is the sudden wave of beheadings. Boy, that's got everyone's attention!"
7.09.04- Thanks
to my neighbor, I am now suffering from "fecalphobia". I'm imagining bird feces everywhere. I can't eat lunch without this
fear. I can't walk in the shop without thinking there are bird feces on my shoe. When I look outside at those little baby
birds being fed by the caring mother bird, I envision feces on their little feet.
I'll have to send a thank you note
to my neighbor, thanking her for bringing to my attention that there are feces among us.
7.09.04- This
just in: My neighbor who reported the bird feces yesterday that I'm going to call Ms. Happy from now on just came over knocking
on my window. I'm going to call her Ms. Happy because she always seems to have a weird, antidepressant sort of grin plastered
on her face. Well, today Ms. Happy came over, knocking on the window with that grin. She then beckoned
me to go outside with her index finger, the same way a school teacher would beckon a child that did something wrong. Asking
the customer in the chair what I did wrong, I went outside. There, on the ground was a dead sparrow. Ms. Happy wanted to know
what I was going to do with it. Seeing her smile while pointing at the dead sparrow I thought was kind of twisted in itself,
but overwehelming that feeling was the feeling that somehow I was getting blamed for the dead sparrow in front of her door.
Dodging the question of what I intended to do with the bird, I right away flipped it by asking, "Why'd
you kill it?!" Startled by the sudden flip, Ms. Happy retorted, "I didn't kill it!" I
believe Ms. Happy knew deep down inside that the bird must've been a suicidal terrorist bird, sacrificing it's life for the
whole, sending a message to her designed to protect the food supply of the entire bird community within the plaza from her
evil inner desire to see the practice of bird feeding completely abolished. After asking Ms. Happy if
she was certain she had nothing to do with this bird's sudden demise, I assured her I'd give it a proper burial behind the
building. I then proceeded to go out back with the bird and buried it in the dumpster, knowing full well there was a direct
link between that particular bird flying headlong into Ms. Happy's window and her recent complaint of bird feces being tracked
into her shop.
7.10.04- Barbering
is not the only thing barbers actually do. There are times we are forced to take on the unofficial privilege of being marriage
counselors, guidance counselors, legal advisors, psychologists, health instructors, teachers, and even medical advisors. Now,
in the fast advancing computer age, computer consultant - tech support can be added to that list. Forty five minutes of today
was wasted explaining to this man how to get his computer running right again. Explaining quantum physics to a dog would have
been more beneficial. Watching someone's stare drift beyond the outer boundaries of blankness while
explaining technical computer issues to the individual is not a pleasant thing. Trying to bring the person back to reality
afterward by snapping the fingers doesn't work either. The only recourse was to advise the individual to sell the computer
at a yard sale and then take up a more meaningful hobby such as feeding the birds.
A rather unkempt
person asked today if wearing latex gloves is now a new health code requirement. When told that it isn't, he further inquired
why someone would have to cut hair with them on. Apparently not able to understand that it isn't a requirement, but rather,
one's own personal preference in order not to contract diseases the clients may have, he was then told that wearing a noseplug
is not a requirement either, but next time in for a haircut he might see one being worn. Wearing earplugs would not be a bad
idea either.
If someone plans on golfing or mowing the lawn on a hot summer Saturday in July, that
person should not get their haircut afterward without taking a shower beforehand. If someone happens to make this grave error,
that person will get the fastest haircut imaginable, and it will be done in such a way to make sure that person never returns
again, ever.
7.11.04- [flashback]
Speaking the other day of being an unofficial marriage counselor in this type of business brings back certain memories that
would rather be forgotten, yet need to be made known for the sake of the unsuspecting hordes. Two hairdressers
that worked in the same shop several years back took delight in ruining marriages. Obviously experienced, they would also
give advice on how to proceed in getting divorces. Both women could be called divorce advocates. On
one occasion that vividly stands out, the first hairdresser that I'll call Broom Hilda told a woman that would come in with
her kid that her husband had a girlfriend on the sneaky. She even went into great detail, claiming the husband "told" her
all about it and on one occasion even brought the other woman in with him. Broom then made the woman promise that she would
never reveal the source of how she found out. The second hairdresser that I'll call Eve L. Diabla turned
her attention from the client in her chair, piping in that she too overheard the conversation and added that she knew an "excellent"
divorce attorney. This was most confusing, since Eve L. Diabla was usually babbling incessantly to her own clients or outside
smoking, not allowing much time to overhear anything. Come to think of it, Eve L. Diabla did have a
habit of eavesdropping on other conversations going on around her when she was working. She would even interrupt with a line
of gibberish or two; half the time about something that had nothing to do with whatever conversation she had been eavesdropping
on. Anyway, there should have been academy awards handed out at the end of this one particular event on the fine day being
recalled. A few weeks later, the husband came back in. Broom Hilda right away asked how his wife was.
With eyes glazed over in what appeared to be shock, the man told Broom that his wife wanted a divorce
because someone told her he had a girlfriend. He added that she wouldn't tell him who said it. Eve L.
Diabla, again forsaking another client in her chair, quickly pointed out that "sometimes it just doesn't work out". The man
left practically in tears, never to be seen again. Broom Hilda turned to Eve L. Diabla with a satisfied
smile on her face and said, "See the power we have?" The wife came back a couple of times with the kid,
giving the hairdressers periodic updates as to where she had to take the kid, drop off the kid, meet the lawyer and so on,
occasionally pausing to glare in my direction. Eventually, her visits to that particular shop of doom fizzled out just like
her previously estranged husband's visits did. Many moments are spent reflecting back on just this one
event of many having been witnessed while working at this particular shop, often wondering how many divorces in the world
are actually caused in this very same manner.
Speaking candidly, health care professionals can help
build up a society or destroy it.
7.12.04- [reflection]
One of the few people barbers can refuse service to are people that are obviously under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
One time a man came in that smelled of alcohol. Without actually showing signs of being drunk, he was
accepted as a client. This is not unusual. Since many times people under the influence of alcohol will come in, it is commonly
routine to cut their hair. Someone being completely drunk, of course, is a different story. That person should be refused
service. This man that smelled of alcohol got in the chair, and halfway through the haircut began to
nod off. Eventually, he was snoring. It was at this moment that it was realized that he was drunk. Trying
to finish the haircut as fast as possible, the drunk man began sliding out of the chair and the entire situation quickly spiraled
out of control. In what seemed like slow motion, the drunk person slid completely out of the chair,
right onto the floor. Not wanting the fact that a drunk was accepted as a client to become evident, the haircut was finished
with the assistance of a former co-worker holding the drunk man's head up off the ground. After the
haircut was finished, and with the assistance of the co-worker grabbing his other arm, we were able to drag the man outside
and prop him up against the wall. The police were called and they came and took the drunk man away.
Another
situation that happened recently was similar to the first event. This event occured outside of the shop, however. While
cutting a judge's hair, it was noticed that there was a man lying in the parking lot. Sensing the man could be dead, I left
his honor in the chair and went outside to investigate. Shaking the person, it became obvious he was
drunk. The police were then called. The police arrived, and surprisingly, they put the man in his car.
Then they removed him from the car and took him away. The car remained there for a week.
To this day, although there
is no concrete evidence to support this claim, I'm certain the police arrested that drunk man for DWI.
7.13.04- After
coming in this morning and getting all the old-timers done that were appropriately waiting outside with the birds, the realization
suddenly occured that the bird feeder was missing. Having been hanging outside since late December,
it's very strange that the bird feeder disappeared almost seven months after it was originally hung outside. It vanished not
even one week after Ms. Happy complained about the notorious bird feces on 7.08.04 . I'm sure the perpetually clueless Ms. Happy is as clueless as ever
to it's whereabouts. Not missing a beat, the feeder was replaced twenty minutes later. Whoever stole
it doesn't realize that they actually made life a little easier around here. The other bird feeder would leak, allowing water
inside of it every time it would rain. The bird seed would solidify like a brick inside the feeder. It would take fifteen
minutes to break up the bird seed and replace it, wasting much of the birds' prized bird seed. Now,
instead of a two tiered feeder with three holes per tier, the birds have a three tiered feeder with four holes per tier, doubling
the amount of birds allowed to eat at any given time. The best part is that this one is waterproof. The fecal problem has
now doubled, as well.
The experience at the pet store was just as exciting as last time on
7.03.04. Chatty was there again. She announced that her drawer wasn't unlocked
yet and that I could go to the other register. At the other register was a quite large and important
looking fellow of some kind of managerial magnitude that I'll call Mr. Bob. Mr. Bob announced that he'd be a while because
his first customer of the day gave him a hundred dollar bill and that he had to wait for change from the Customer Service
Manager. Offering him change of a hundred, he stated that he couldn't take change from me. He then told me that there was
another register with nobody on it and pointed back to the ever vociferous Chatty. Wandering cautiously
back to Chatty, wondering how her drawer miraculously got unlocked, I notified her that Mr. Bob directed me back to her. Dodging
my words, Chatty brightly greeted me with a big smile and her own words, "Good morning sir! How is your day going?". "Quite
splendid, actually. I'll be better after having a spot of tea."
I had the great satisfation of bringing
my neighbor Ms. Happy her mail that was accidentally left at my shop. It was from the state taxation office. Entering
Ms. Happy's shop like I belonged on a S.W.A.T. team, I announced that I had very important mail for the blonde brood (they
all seem to be blonde over there) from the state taxation office and that it was a good thing that it fell into honest hands.
The silence was cut by the frozen stares I received. I walked out as fast as I entered, whistling some meaningless, unknown,
happy sounding tune, obviously undaunted by the days events so far.
7.13.04- The
For Sale sign from 6.17.04 has been removed. I don't know whether to gloat or be worried.
7.14.04- Sometimes
people come in with a morbid fear that you're not going to finish their haircut. It probably goes back to their childhood.
Today, a man asked if I was going to cut the sides of his hair. I guess he was worried that I was going
to forget. His glassy eyes suggested that he may have been on some kind of dope and that he may have been suffering from some
kind of mental time warp. In other words, three minutes in the chair may have seemed like forty five minutes to him. I wanted
to ask him if he had a problem with looking like Bozo, but I didn't. Thanking him for reminding me to finish what I started didn't seem like a good idea either. He was mumbling
something about an imminent race war and Charlie Daniels running for the presidency, so I kept quiet.
[later
on] Another man came in, saying that he wanted his hair cut short, "but not too short!", a "square back", "tapered down",
"feathered" with "layers" and "shingled" on the sides. Seeing that I was dealing with someone that knew
a great deal more about this business than the average person, I asked him if he wanted his eyebrows squared or rounded. He
said, "Huh?!"
7.14.04- It's
always fun when it's an hour past the time closed and there are three signs in the window that all say "CLOSED"
in huge letters, with most of the lights turned off and a shade pulled down, that someone who feels they are beyond rules
will still show up, tapping on the tinted glass with a key, mouthing the words "Your closed?" through the window, obviously
in dire need of a haircut. I'd like to open the place, sit them in the chair, put the hair cloth on
them and then stamp their heads with a rubber stamp that says "CHALLENGED" on it,
remove the hair cloth and tell them that it's on the house.
7.15.04- A man
displaying unusual behavior was just in. He didn't want to leave his wallet on the window sill for fear that someone would
break the window and steal his wallet. Then, without removing his hat, he got in the chair. He mumbled something about not
wanting me to see what he did. After putting the hair cloth on him, I asked the gentleman if he was
ready to remove his hat. He said again that he was afraid to show me what he did. Taking control of
the situation, I removed the hat. The gentleman had shaved his head. After getting past the hat ordeal,
this idiosyncratic gentleman wanted my professional opinion as to if he should keep shaving his head. Not
wanting to cause irreversible psychological damage because of the strange lumps and dents all over his head, I told the gentleman
that by shaving his head, it strategically covered the fact that he was losing his hair. He agreed. After
several moments of indecisiveness that could have been easily interpreted as confusion, the gentleman announced that he wanted
to let his hair grow out. The reason given was that he "missed" his hair. Realizing that the challenges
this man has to face obviously run much deeper than what can be seen on the surface of his head, I removed the hair cloth
and told the gentleman that there would be no charge for the consultation this time.
7.16.04- Not
much happened today. A man and his son came in and only the son was getting his haircut. The son took several moments explaining
what he wanted and seemed to be able to describe it in a fairly simple way. Simple, right? Wrong. Getting
the haircut underway, the father began asking the son if he knew what he wanted. This caused the son to begin explaining what
he wanted all over again, which was really quite unnecessary and annoying. After the son was done explaining
what he wanted to the father, the father now asked if I understood what the son wanted. Meanwhile, the haircut was already
halfway done. This sort of thing happens all the time.
7.17.04- Two
things that you can always rely on is someone waiting for you to open on a Saturday, and someone else showing up after you
close on a Saturday. Today was no different than any other Saturday. While trying to get the key in
the door fifteen minutes before the scheduled time to open, someone was right there offering to help. Thanking him and quickly
locking him outside, he was understandably bewildered. The sad thing is that the same people do the same thing over and over
again. As bewildered as they are, they never seem to catch on that setting up shop first thing in the morning is a personal
matter. It requires full attention and can't be done with people wandering around the shop asking questions, pretending like
they have a personal interest in you. The first thing this man asked is if I've seen Art. I didn't even
know who this man was in the shop, let alone know who Art is. So I told him that I didn't know who he was talking about. I
guess this answer I gave wasn't good enough for the man because he next offered up a last name. Not helping me any, I stuck
to my original statement, "I don't know who you mean". Of course, now I had to listen to how much Art likes me, and how much
Art loves the way I cut his hair, blah blah blah... so I said, "Oh! Art! How is he? Is he still constipated?"
After
dropping a three gallon bucket of water on the floor at lunch time while changing the water in the fish tank, I broke the
mop trying to clean it up. Of course, there were people outside tapping on the window, seeing if I'd give up my hard earned,
meager lunch time to cut their overgrown heads of hair. Realizing a long time ago that people are only
urgent about getting their hair cut when they're about three months overdue, I've learned to ignore them when they tap on
the glass during lunch. The reason there are malls are for the people that procrastinate and need something right away that
should've been gotten three months ago. Regular customers know what time I take lunch. Thank goodness for regular customers.
I'd have to take on the troublemakers as clients if it weren't for them.
The day ended in an equally
turbulent way. The man that was in with the kid from yesterday showed up after I already closed. This time it was for himself.
He voiced complete surprise that I close so early on Saturdays, second time in a row. I realize that he must be challenged,
because he thinks I can't remember the last time he was in and he pulled the same thing. That time was also on a Saturday.
Today, this guy started out by banging on the window, and wouldn't stop either. He mouthed "You're closed?!"
to me through the glass. I mouthed, "I'm closed" back at him. He still kept mouthing something that I'd imagine was the same
gibberish that he came in babbling about when I finally opened the door. It's a good thing I'm a patient person (a person
that works with mental patients) or he would've been going to the mall for a haircut this weekend. It took about four and
a half minutes to cut through the seven layers of gel and four layers of hairspray to get that mop of two tone hair (thanks
to the hair coloring) cut and he was in his car, driving away. If I never see that guy and his kid again,
I don't care. There's more to life than money. The thing I learned about weeds is that if you remove two, two more replace
them and they bring two friends.
This may be news to some people, but not all mental patients are
locked up. There are many wandering around, roaming the streets here and there. Some of them even drive. It's a known fact
that they eventually get their haircut too.
7.18.04- [Flashback]
One time, this man I never saw before walked in, went right past the first work station I was in and walked over to the second
work station where my former co-worker that I'll call Dagan had her tools set up. Dagan had to leave somewhere in a hurry,
earlier that day. I think she said her kid fell out of a tree or lost his sneaker or something, so she had to rush home. The
man was completely out of site from where I was working, monkeying around over by Dagan's tools. So, I spun the person in
my chair around and walked on the other side to watch the man in the mirrors. He was playing with his hair. I
stopped what I was doing and asked the man if he could have a seat. He fired back, "What if I want to stand?!" I told him
that he could stand in the waiting area with the other people because customers are not allowed in an unsupervised work area
where the tools are set up. The man became offended and accused me of calling him a thief. He said,
"You just called me a thief!" I told him that I didn't call him a thief. He said, "You did! You just called me a thief!" Realizing
that the customer is always right and that arguing with the man was only going to make matters worse, I agreed with him. "You're
right. You are a thief. Get out, and watch the door on the way. No thieves are allowed here." I found
out several weeks later that the guy was a principal in some nearby school, because his picture was in the paper for being
involved in some kind of scandal within the school district's administration. It figures, because I guess he thought he was
going to educate me about proper business etiquette and civil liberties and stuff. What he got was an education of his own.
I never was a big fan of any kind of administration anyway. I'm glad I threw that guy out. Everyone
that's ever had a problem with a principal should be happy I threw him out too.
7.19.04- I was
bored today, so I worked on a song called Tangerine. Playing music can really bring things back into the right perspective.
If everyone played some kind of music, life would be one big concert.
7.20.04- Everyday,
right when the last person is getting finished, someone else walks in and says, "Perfect timing!". Not a day goes by without
this occuring. This is really annoying, especially if you had planned on sitting down for five minutes. Today
marks the inauguration of 'eggtimer haircuts". This is when someone walks in and says, 'Perfect timing!", triggering an eggtimer
to be turned over, allowing three minutes for the completion of the haircut. This is a fun way to play "beat the eggtimer"
while working.
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